Friday, August 28, 2009
My boyfriend Sonnie got appendicitis last night.
I came home from a long day at the studio and I was too tired to do anything but lay on the couch. As he complained about abdominal pain, he proceeded to give me a foot massage while I fell asleep.
The next morning he was in the hospital. I cannot believe his generosity for caring for me while he was curled up with pain that I was too sleepy to notice.
Seeing him in the hospital struck a chord in my heart that had not been sounded for a while. Maybe never. Even though he was fine I was hiccuping with emotion. Surges of feeling. Guilt for not giving him my full attention the night before and being awake to his suffering. The tears were a spark for me.
Why is it that I can not fully appreciate the people that I love the most all the time? Why can I not feel this strength of love for all people? Compassion for all people?
Why can I not feel the fullness of gratitude for this precious life in each moment?
I don't want to lose someone to find out.
Now that I sit here contemplating the day's events, I am happy to be suspended in the questioning. I am happy that this experience has illuminated these questions for me. This experience has brushed the dust off of life.
I may not find these answers quickly. I know that there is a spark for the need to be more awake. I know my practice must, in some way, help brush off the dust and cultivate compassion. This is the real stuff.
Leg behind the head and then standing up (durvasana for example) is a way of teaching the body to let go. Asanas practiced with commitment may also give the energy to act when feeling empathy for others. Asanas clean out the laziness! But after asana... when in the field of life, there is much more to practice.
If you can take a moment and feel gratitude for your lover... or someone whom you feel very close to... let that be a spark for you to fully appreciate them. And let that spark turn into a flame for all.